YOU are shrinking me.

YOU are not my mother.

YOU are not allowed to make this emotional or give me a damn lecture. You hate yourself and you attack me.

YOU never get to the point. You are so nervous. Calm the 'F' down. You are exhausting. Does any new information come in? Are you an ally?

YOU are bullshit bullshit bullshit. Stop challenging and critiquing everything. You don't want success. You want failure. You are the most difficult person to work with in the world. I would never in a million years work with you ever again.

YOU contribute to me hating it here!

YOU attack attack attack me. You critique everything. You do nothing. You repeat the cycle.

YOU never share information. Your decisions are poor.

YOU screw me with your old antiquated systems.

YOU leave me lonely.

I AM an uber capable grown man who can run gigantic solar systems. I deserve trust and respect. I am a successful and charismatic leader with organization and focus.

somewhere between here and there.

so i'm looking for the next big theme. what do i want to explore with my work and where will that exploration lead me? social practice is not necessarily getting me excited, but i am piqued by this notion of taxonomies. hmmmmm, we'll see.
anyhow i'm hoping that this work will lead me to a place that is somewhere between here and there, but definitely not just here. will have to look for this past year's learning, post sifting through the large amount of bs.

no more deer

thanks and goodbye to 2009.

2009 thanks for
my nephew
my triumvirate of consultants
my team
my calm in the face of daily dilemmas
my class at columbia

2010 bring me
peace
satisfaction
easy, supportive, engaging love
movement towards the next job
more outdoors
lots of yoga for my back

high standards low expectations

so what am i hanging onto and why? i mean what information do i have that tells me this could ever possibly happen. haven't i felt like this before? is it the same? and where is this jealousy piece coming from? admittedly i could be happier with my current life circumstances, but i really don't want anyone else's life. i do, however, want some greater purpose and happiness, cause this is all some bullshit.
anyhow, what would my research questions be if i actually venture on this doomed excursion:

• can this man be open, loving, and supportive to me in the ways that i want, need, and best respond to?
• am i running after some fleeting, or rather fleeted, romance...or am i simply re-activating it?
• am I just grasping at the most recent love of my life and simply tired and scared of the wait for the next one?
• has this man grown over the past few months and is he capable of being open to any of this?
• am i an idiot?
  

international travel. pug. tent. condo.

How could I be living my life more fully at present?

shifting.