Thursday, December 31, 2009
thanks and goodbye to 2009.
2009 thanks for
my nephew
my triumvirate of consultants
my team
my calm in the face of daily dilemmas
my class at columbia
2010 bring me
peace
satisfaction
easy, supportive, engaging love
movement towards the next job
more outdoors
lots of yoga for my back
Sunday, December 13, 2009
high standards low expectations
so what am i hanging onto and why? i mean what information do i have that tells me this could ever possibly happen. haven't i felt like this before? is it the same? and where is this jealousy piece coming from? admittedly i could be happier with my current life circumstances, but i really don't want anyone else's life. i do, however, want some greater purpose and happiness, cause this is all some bullshit.
anyhow, what would my research questions be if i actually venture on this doomed excursion:
- can this man be open, loving, and supportive to me in the ways that i want, need, and best respond to?
- am i running after some fleeting, or rather fleeted, romance...or am i simply re-activating it?
- am I just grasping at the most recent love of my life and simply tired and scared of the wait for the next one?
- has this man grown over the past few months and is he capable of being open to any of this?
- am i an idiot?
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
where to.
as i've learned so much over the past five years in my various roles, i am curious about all the skills that i have built up and how i can/will apply them in the future. how much more do i need to learn about understanding and using data? how much do i need to organize my current work into a package that is attractive to my possible next employer/job? will i stay here and head up some arts initiative? will i head to the southwest to heal, rest, and recover myself? how do i think about my family? how close do i need to be and when do i need to be closer? how much money do i need to make? how do i get rid of this debt? will that equal freedom? can i look at my current circumstances as now and not always?
then in terms of love life, i see that i am ohso ready and/or in need of the valuable relationship that i can pour myself into. i don't give much of a damn about all the rest of this bs, without that. i mean really, i'm making amazing choices here, but i'm also dying.
next blog: gotta make the list of lessons learned/skills aquired and then another list about the qualities of a job that i am interested in, for example problem-solving and program design without direct ownership, but strong influence, being part of a team, leading, sharing accountability, human-ness, jeans and sneakers...what else?
then in terms of love life, i see that i am ohso ready and/or in need of the valuable relationship that i can pour myself into. i don't give much of a damn about all the rest of this bs, without that. i mean really, i'm making amazing choices here, but i'm also dying.
next blog: gotta make the list of lessons learned/skills aquired and then another list about the qualities of a job that i am interested in, for example problem-solving and program design without direct ownership, but strong influence, being part of a team, leading, sharing accountability, human-ness, jeans and sneakers...what else?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
tune this.
where does my own dial need to fall. right now it's still spinning like crazy. this is the most unrewarding and unsatisfying work ever. please, spend all day "getting the work done." where is the creativity? the joy? the what? bullshit. so what is the evacuation plan? get to a decent place, then make the next big move. this is not it. this is not it. ask yourself what it is that makes the happiness.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
lil bow wow.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
everything counts in large amounts.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
the next.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Sunday, October 4, 2009
tug.
poppa.
Friday, October 2, 2009
so there i was dancing with my new best friend's pseudo young boyfriend amidst the modern white walls, near the actually really exquisite popping and locking european man, thinking of nothing but my next glass of wine and the music...when BOOM jealousy hit. across the crowd i see my new bff's face green and fuming. he won't look at me or at his pseudo, but all personality is gone, and like a difficult sister he has turned the entire room to ice.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
working on new list of rules to live by...
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monday, September 28, 2009
why are all of these things happening now?
normally being able to rely upon work as a source of pride, satisfaction, and self-confidence has allowed me to weather romantic highs and lows. currently that is not the case. instead with a rapidly plummeting outlook and an increasing sense of dread towards work, i have been able to see more clearly that which is important. i mean why do all of this work, if it's not contributing to that which and those whom i love?
blahblahblah.
this is all to say that work is eating my life right now. i miss having someone to balance it all out. how much i miss my old boyfriend. i miss you much. the boyfriend who had an uncanny attention for me. the boyfriend that i would gladly make a sacrifice for if it meant we could try again. yup, this is all pushing me towards a sweeping romantic and dynamic change.
hmmmmm. wonder what will fulfill me again?
Saturday, September 26, 2009
mom.
my mom has embraced texting in a way i never would've imagined. the easy constant contact is great, but what is greater is the expression and humor that she can convey in the briefest of phrases. my parents just got public water (finally over 40+ years on a big hill in rural western pennsylvania). they are so excited. flushing the toilet, taking a shower, and doing laundry at the same time and nothing bad happens. wow.
evidence.
here's a little something left behind as evidence of my dad's efforts to "repair" or "improve" something with minimal resources. i've come to love his use of the blue tarp as an answer to most outdoor problems, in this case as a means of keeping the grass from growing up through the spot where he parks the tractor out back.
here's a little something left behind as evidence of my dad's efforts to "repair" or "improve" something with minimal resources. i've come to love his use of the blue tarp as an answer to most outdoor problems, in this case as a means of keeping the grass from growing up through the spot where he parks the tractor out back.
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